The "A" in LGBTQIA

OK, this isn't plant related, but it is a topic close to my heart. 

Southern Utah Pride is this week, and a topic that always comes up around Pride is Asexuality.

I have tried many times to explain this to “normal” people, and it always ends up falling short. The usual response to my statement that I am asexual is “you just haven’t had a good partner”, like I don’t have an interest in sex because I haven’t had good sex. The assumption is that I have a sex drive, but I deal with it by masturbating in lieu of having sex with a partner or partners. The idea that I have no sex drive at all just doesn’t compute.

I have had sex. I have had sex with male, female, and queer partners. Yes, it felt good, but I just didn’t get what the big deal was. I never wanted it to last a long time and would push through just to please my partner. I ended up being labeled frigid and limp. The little bit of pleasure it produced wasn’t worth the effort, especially when the effort resulted in sweat and goop and other sticky, icky things.

What I really wanted to do was just touch. I loved running my hands along the curves and the angles, playing with the different textures of the skin and hair. But it wasn’t arousing for me. It was pleasurable, but in the same way I felt when running my hands along a cat or a dog. I am a tactile person and I love touching rocks, animals, plants, artwork … I just like to touch.

The best way I can describe being asexual is that I see the human body as a work of art. It is beautiful. There are amazing curves and angles. The skin stretches and moves across the muscles in a wonderous way. I love the way the male and female bodies are different and I am forever fascinated by queer and trans bodies. I could watch a body moving for hours, especially dancers and gymnasts. It is awesome.

But here is the thing: there is nothing sexual about it. I am fascinated the same way by the way a cougar stalks its prey or how a deer’s muscles move as they run through the forest. I love touching rock formations with my eyes closed so I can better feel the different types of roughness. I will wander through a garden and touch every plant I can, feeling the roughness of the leaves and the silky softness of the flower petals.

Now this isn’t to say that I don’t like human contact. I love a good hug as much as the next person. But what I really want is to cuddle. That’s it, just cuddle. But our society doesn’t allow that. Any relationship that involves human touch needs to be sexual, which leaves asexuals like me in a hard spot. I can try to find a partner who will let me snuggle, but will need to cope with having sex as payment. Or I am left having very little physical touch.

We need some type of asexual “dating” app that matches up compatible people who just want to huddle on the couch watching Firefly. It can match according to what the people want to watch on TV instead of whether they are sexually compatible.

This seriously needs to be a thing. Maybe by next Pride …